Everyday I start to hate myself

For some reason or another, I don't know how to keep friends. Losing them is easy. No one is really MY friend. I'm usually that person who crashes into a group and leaves when no one looks. As if anyone really looks anyway. Not only that, no one really looks or looks out for me. I help but never get helped.

I hate myself that I'm always locked away in this box of a house because the people I socialize with are just as locked away or have other group of people who are more interesting. Honestly, it's like I'm that person people just vent to as if there's a huge neon 'free therapy, friendship not required' sign stuck on my forehead.

I miss talking to people and having them hang out with me. But I am sick of being that person who invites but never gets invited. Wanting to do stuff with other people is all I want but when no one asks, no use asking. Like fuck everyone and everything. And my mom wonders why a 20-year-old like me is friendless.

When I'm alone with my thoughts like this and I look at all those Facebook posts of people having fun with their friends just hanging, I hate myself for being friendless and alone. I hate myself for not being able to keep friends. I hate myself for having losers as friends. But then again, birds of a feather, right?

Sometimes, it's not just people hanging with friends. Sometimes it's people going overseas, doing projects, going on road trips, and all that crap. I hate myself for not being equally accomplished.

I hate myself for being a friendless loser.

Depressed but not Depressed (or not sure)

depression. n - a state of feeling sad, a serious medical condition which a person feels very sad, hopeless, and unimportant and often is unable to live in a normal way

You ever get a sort of numbness but heaviness at the same time? Like something invisible is weighing you down but you can't do anything about it because the numbness is in the way?

I don't know if that's what depression is like but I know that every time I sigh, I definitely feel depressed. In the moment it would feel like for no reason but when you're constantly alone with your thoughts, the cause is evident. Just that the solution isn't obvious, which makes it almost nonexistent, and ultimately, the depression stays and festers; lingering like a parasite, a tapeworm.

Probable causes of my depression:

1. social isolation - I lose friends because I'm too cowardly to ask how they are, and I'm incapable of making new ones because my uni is full of racist, religious supremecists.
2. procrastination - New ideas and projects pop up every day yet I spend all this time playing Clash of Clans and Two Dot.
3. I miss someone - He wasn't my boyfriend but it hurt that he "subtly" showed that he didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore (he had the balls to invite me to his going away party first, though)

I'm an introvert and I have social anxiety.

Why make something when you're not the best anymore?

Closure is unattainable and a rebound is inevitable.

Do people get depression from feeling like an absolute failure?