A Month In...

A month in university and I'm all ready tired and confused.

Tired because I haven't adjusted to the lifestyle here and confused because the lectures are moving faster than I can catch up. Back when I did my diploma in a different university it wasn't like this. Of course it's not right to compare as it was a lower level of study  but it didn't take me this long to get settled. If I were to compare the environment, I'd say my alma mater should've made me more distressed than I am now seeing as it was across the South China Sea and  I was a young and naive 18-year-old that had just moved away from home to an entirely new set of culture and society.

Now I'm soon-to-be 23 studying 30 minutes away from home in an institution so peaceful the administrators operate as if they were customer service workers. Though that could be one of their efforts to curb suicide rates that they kept mentioning left and right since the first day of orientation. I won't mention anything about suicide since I'm no expert in the matter. But full disclosure: I do not have suicidal thoughts, murderous thoughts maybe but suicide is not my option. I can always drop out of uni and work.

Back to my point: university should have been easier the second time around but it's not. If it's not in the academic aspect then I should at least be all right with my living arrangements and self-studies. But I'm not. In secondary school I studied sciences and then jumped fields to creative writing for my diploma. I went from studying science to studying writing and now I'm taking a BA in English. You'd assume there's correlation in writing and English, in most cases that would be true except for mine. Unfortunately, there is no literature in my syllabus, only language and it's application in communications. Definitely should've put UM as my first choice. At least their English programme involved literature.

Everyday I start to hate myself

For some reason or another, I don't know how to keep friends. Losing them is easy. No one is really MY friend. I'm usually that person who crashes into a group and leaves when no one looks. As if anyone really looks anyway. Not only that, no one really looks or looks out for me. I help but never get helped.

I hate myself that I'm always locked away in this box of a house because the people I socialize with are just as locked away or have other group of people who are more interesting. Honestly, it's like I'm that person people just vent to as if there's a huge neon 'free therapy, friendship not required' sign stuck on my forehead.

I miss talking to people and having them hang out with me. But I am sick of being that person who invites but never gets invited. Wanting to do stuff with other people is all I want but when no one asks, no use asking. Like fuck everyone and everything. And my mom wonders why a 20-year-old like me is friendless.

When I'm alone with my thoughts like this and I look at all those Facebook posts of people having fun with their friends just hanging, I hate myself for being friendless and alone. I hate myself for not being able to keep friends. I hate myself for having losers as friends. But then again, birds of a feather, right?

Sometimes, it's not just people hanging with friends. Sometimes it's people going overseas, doing projects, going on road trips, and all that crap. I hate myself for not being equally accomplished.

I hate myself for being a friendless loser.

Depressed but not Depressed (or not sure)

depression. n - a state of feeling sad, a serious medical condition which a person feels very sad, hopeless, and unimportant and often is unable to live in a normal way

You ever get a sort of numbness but heaviness at the same time? Like something invisible is weighing you down but you can't do anything about it because the numbness is in the way?

I don't know if that's what depression is like but I know that every time I sigh, I definitely feel depressed. In the moment it would feel like for no reason but when you're constantly alone with your thoughts, the cause is evident. Just that the solution isn't obvious, which makes it almost nonexistent, and ultimately, the depression stays and festers; lingering like a parasite, a tapeworm.

Probable causes of my depression:

1. social isolation - I lose friends because I'm too cowardly to ask how they are, and I'm incapable of making new ones because my uni is full of racist, religious supremecists.
2. procrastination - New ideas and projects pop up every day yet I spend all this time playing Clash of Clans and Two Dot.
3. I miss someone - He wasn't my boyfriend but it hurt that he "subtly" showed that he didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore (he had the balls to invite me to his going away party first, though)

I'm an introvert and I have social anxiety.

Why make something when you're not the best anymore?

Closure is unattainable and a rebound is inevitable.

Do people get depression from feeling like an absolute failure?